The Little Child Inside
As a kid, I grew up thinking that the world was composed of the people I know (my parents, my little brother, my grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts, and neighbors I saw on a daily basis PLUS as far as my eyes can see. There was not much decision to make, because I didn’t know or want to make decisions in the first place. My parents made the decision for me, or I picked between mundane choices, or I was just to say “yes” or “no”. The authority I knew was everyone who was older than I am or my peers. Discipline then was this way: if my parents said I wasn’t allowed to do something I shouldn’t do it; otherwise I would be punished. Of course, the child that I was—short attention span and little self-control got the better of me; I got spanked, a lot.
I was brought up in a simple home. We lived on a budget. If my brother and I wanted something out of the ordinary things we usually bought or had, we had to check the price tag first and see if our budget could still allow it. If not, then we can’t get it. Extravagance and expensive things were for special occasions such as Christmas, or birthdays. Sometimes, the cuteness would get away—sometimes—and we had the littlest unscheduled or unbudgeted indulgences.
Like any other regular kid at the time, I spent a lot of time on the streets—playing langit-lupa (tag, your it), tagu-taguan (hide and seek) especially during power interruptions or full moon, moro-moro, piko (hopscotch Pinoy version), patintero, tumbang preso (I don’t know what they call that in English), Chinese garter—name it! And that was the only thing I wanted to do the entire day. If I could skip ‘classes’ with dad, I would! Then again, I was only allowed to play while the sun was still up, or while I still didn’t have to work on the 23 letters of my name, or while everyone was still friends with one another, or while no one was injured.
Here I am, 15 or so years later, feeling that some part of me feels the same with the Child Lai. The little kid gets out sometimes, but it's not the good side of Child Lai—fear of making decisions, wanting nothing more but just to play; impatience, lack of self-control, disobedience.
All of us still have that child that we take with us as we grow up, or grow old. It could be our sweet, child-like innocence and vulnerability, or the bratty, tantrum-throwing side. Yes, we grow up and go out; we see the world for what it really us and I feel like the world robbed me of some of my childlikeness—the good parts were the ones that got stolen.
If there was a part of me from childhood that I wanted to take with me, these are:
I was brought up in a simple home. We lived on a budget. If my brother and I wanted something out of the ordinary things we usually bought or had, we had to check the price tag first and see if our budget could still allow it. If not, then we can’t get it. Extravagance and expensive things were for special occasions such as Christmas, or birthdays. Sometimes, the cuteness would get away—sometimes—and we had the littlest unscheduled or unbudgeted indulgences.
Like any other regular kid at the time, I spent a lot of time on the streets—playing langit-lupa (tag, your it), tagu-taguan (hide and seek) especially during power interruptions or full moon, moro-moro, piko (hopscotch Pinoy version), patintero, tumbang preso (I don’t know what they call that in English), Chinese garter—name it! And that was the only thing I wanted to do the entire day. If I could skip ‘classes’ with dad, I would! Then again, I was only allowed to play while the sun was still up, or while I still didn’t have to work on the 23 letters of my name, or while everyone was still friends with one another, or while no one was injured.
***
Here I am, 15 or so years later, feeling that some part of me feels the same with the Child Lai. The little kid gets out sometimes, but it's not the good side of Child Lai—fear of making decisions, wanting nothing more but just to play; impatience, lack of self-control, disobedience.
All of us still have that child that we take with us as we grow up, or grow old. It could be our sweet, child-like innocence and vulnerability, or the bratty, tantrum-throwing side. Yes, we grow up and go out; we see the world for what it really us and I feel like the world robbed me of some of my childlikeness—the good parts were the ones that got stolen.
***
If there was a part of me from childhood that I wanted to take with me, these are:
- Innocence—pure and uncorrupted mind of a child. I relish the days when things I said or did do not have another meaning. Or the things I hear or see from other people did not conjure crazy
- Frankness—being completely honesty in confronting my emotions, problems or thoughts; and saying it out loud. So that I would be understood. I process and overthink more now than ever.
- Eagerness to learn—it takes that attitude of humility, or acknowledging the fact that you are (sometimes) ignorant. When you get to a certain age, or experience certain things, you get more and more full of yourself, it leaves no room for improvement.
- A childlike wonder at things simple or truly wonderful—nothing escapes a kid’s appreciation. She gets easily impressed, he admires almost anything or anyone. So, delight is available anytime, anywhere!
- A childlike trust—it's just simply knowing that someone's going to take care of you, when you're in trouble, or when you don't know what to do.
- A childlike faith—as if there's no stopping you in getting what you really want. Hindrances are oblivious!
***
I know that Child Lai is in there somewhere, that's why I am able to discuss these things. But how I wish she was more out than the Old, Jaded Lai. She would probably look a problem in the face and say, "Ha! My Dad's gonna take care of you!" Or look at the clouds and say, "Wow, how beautiful! Look, I see a rabbit!"
There's probably a lot more about a child that I want to have back, and I need to find them. Meanwhile, Little Lai, can you come out? Big Lai needs help about the world at large.
The positive thing about me that I may have carried is my thirst to learn many new things. The negative would probably be my stubbornness to try to get things to go my way. Sometimes it's a good thing. But the ratio to it being a bad thing is probably 1:9. Haha.
ReplyDeleteWell, there are rooms for improvements for all of us. At least you recognize yours - some don't have the wisdom to look at themselves.
"Child-like faith" - I need that too. Something so natural to kids but so difficult for adults!
Hi Dani! Pleeease forgive me, I just saw your reply. It's been ages since I visited my own blog. Neurotic schedule since until I got hired and finally got the hang of my job.
ReplyDeleteEnough of personal life there... God knows that we all lose our childlikeness when we age while in the world. That's probably why Jesus made an example of the children when He said, "The kingdom of belongs to such as these" (referring to the kids).
We need to make it a conscious effort to be childlike in faith (not childish, haha!) because it no longer comes naturally after being jaded by the world.