Toxic relatives: engage or avoid?

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So I'm back. I didn't think I'd be blogging again after my failed attempt to do a podcast, much less talk about toxic relatives. It's not because our family is perfect. It's because we've all probably gotten to a point when we all know how to be with each other, genuinely enjoying each other's company.

But I saw a post in a private Facebook group earlier that alarmed me because of how people responded to her. The user asked: How to avoid the toxic family relatives kapag (during) reunion? A perfectly valid concern! We all grew up dreading that one (or more, yikes!) relative who just can't seem to mind their own business. Or they probably have a very problematic attitude towards life and people. An overwhelming majority of the respondents answered, "Don't show up/attend." One even jokingly (?) said, "I know a hitman. PM is the key."

I understand though why this would be the most recommended action--it's the easiest way out. But is avoidance really the best way to deal with this? When we avoid, isn't it possible that: 

1. We are prideful. By default, we already think we're right.
2. Our convictions are weak, and we haven't really deeply thought about our beliefs and their implications.
3. We're avoiding the possibility of being corrected for our own toxic mindsets.

There are many other possibilities for avoiding toxic relatives, and the motivations--whether conscious or not--eventually won't matter. Because it's the results of our actions that leave a lasting impact on ourselves and others. So instead of making a decision that we might eventually regret, let's figure out how we can really effectively deal with "toxic" relatives.

This is how I replied to the user's post (with some edits to improve on my points):

Don’t avoid them. You’re an adult with your individuality, thoughts, and convictions that you have every liberty to express. Stand up for yourself.

1. Comprehend - Maybe they know something that you don’t which you ought to listen to; make every effort to understand first, and not purposefully misconstrue what they’re saying. [Edit:] A helpful strategy that I learned from a psychologist: Repeat how you understood what the other party said with your own words. Ask them if you got it right, and let them correct you until you indeed get it right.
2. Confront - Do this when, after understanding them, you are convinced that their thoughts/behaviors are problematic.
3. Correct/Convince - Make a case for your conviction. You can’t just expect people to understand you, or agree with you right away. [Edit:] I notice millennials' and Gen Z's animosity towards the older generation. They use the term "Boomer", the label for the generation born right after WWII, as a pejorative. This is probably because the younger generation thinks that the Boomers' beliefs/morals/values are outdated. While their generation may have taught them some morally questionable beliefs, they do have the wisdom from experience that has been tested by time and suffering. Don't underestimate that.
4. Close/Conclude - Do this whether you end up agreeing or disagreeing with each other, so you can both move forward with a genuine understanding or appreciation of each other. Because at the end of the day, relationships matter more than being right. Anyone who tells you that relationships are disposable will probably consider you disposable too.

Do all these compassionately as much as possible.

If they start treating you like a child or start attacking you, you can walk away every time it happens. Every encounter CAN be different because people are complex, people (including you), and situations change all the time. [Edit:] Draw healthy boundaries. Ah, boundaries. A topic for another blog entry.

You don’t have to cut your relatives off. Now THAT is toxic. Dealing with other difficult/toxic adults is part of being an adult yourself. It’s also good to know that ALL of us are equally capable of being problematic without being aware of it. Be humble enough to acknowledge that. [End of comment.]

I hope you found valuable life tools in this entry, despite it being so lengthy. This might be wishful thinking, but I look forward to the day when people (including myself) no longer act out of some secret resentment and start having productive conversations to resolve issues.